Just Like That

I’m not racist, racism is a crime, and crime is for black people

You shouldn’t say anything mean about people who can’t read. You should write it instead.

Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.

Give a man a match and he’ll be warm for a minute; set him on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children

Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.

I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code.

Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Anyone can quit smoking, it takes a real man to fight cancer

A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend

If your name was homework, i’de be doing you on my desk right now

Who’s General Failure & why is he reading my disk?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

“Practise makes perfect”…but no one’s perfect, so why practise?

Tennis is a fickle sport. No matter how good you are at it, a wall will always be better.

I dream of a better tomorrow… where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives

Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, whern you insult him, you’ll be a mile away, and have

his shoes.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.

In a world full of women, you’re the man!

I still miss my ex-girlfriend… but my aim is improving

When shooting a mime, don’t use a silencer or his friends will hear you.

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it

the internet… where women are men and 12 year old boys are FBI agents

This girl rang me up one time, she says “come over, nobody is home”, I went over, no one was home…

Why do we call them buildings when they’re finished? Shouldn’t they be called Builts?

My greatest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality….

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

coffee just isn’t my cup of tea

You’re special. Like, wear-a-helmet-all-the-time special.

For Sale: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britainica. Never read because wife already knows everything

Without me, it’s just aweso

He who laughs last probably does not get the joke

You’re about as useful as a one-legged man in an arse kicking contest.

If you are what you eat, then I’m fast, cheap and easy

I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.

I got cold hard cash for Christmas. Five bucks frozen in a block of ice.

When vultures fly, are they allowed a carrion bag?

“The 7 Habits of Highly Gulible People” - #1. Buying books to tell you to work better and waste less time.

I feel bad for people who die on Valentine’s Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand?

I used to think I was indecisive but now I’m not so sure.

Roses are red, Bullets are lead, you better love me, or i’ll shoot you in the head

The most effective copyright protection known to man: a scratched CD.

TORNADO RIPS THROUGH CEMETARY, HUNDREDS DEAD

Faith may move mountains but it was the whip that built the pyramids.

If vegetarians eat only vegetables, what about humanitarians?

NEW BRIDGE HELD UP BY RED TAPE

Womens faults are many, while men have only two. Everything they say and everything they do.

If a man argues in the woods and he is alone- is his wife STILL right ?

I’m so confused I’m not sure if I lost my horse or found a rope

Two hats on a rack, one says to another, “You stay here, I’ll go on ahead.

Rehab is for quitters